


This Is What We Have Become

by ice_hot_13



Category: Star Trek
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-22
Updated: 2013-06-22
Packaged: 2017-12-15 19:36:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/853270
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ice_hot_13/pseuds/ice_hot_13
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pavel didn't expect Hikaru to leave the impression he did.  (written ages ago, posted here for archiving purposes)</p>
            </blockquote>





	This Is What We Have Become

 Pavel wishes Hikaru wasn't part of him. Whatever it was that they had is over now, but Hikaru stays in Pavel's head, in his memories, and has irrevocably become one of the pieces that makes Pavel exactly who he is now. Pavel hasn't spoken to Hikaru in four months, but Hikaru will always,  _always_ be on lists in Pavel's mind, own a handful of Pavel's memories simply by sharing them, insist on being counted in the number of people Pavel's kissed, even if he's mercifully not counted among the people Pavel has slept with, a number Pavel is thankful he left intact at  _zero,_ despite Hikaru's best attempts at being both seductive and blameless.

Four months ago, Hikaru was the man Pavel was eager to fall in love with, even though Pavel still kept up barriers he couldn't explain the purpose of to himself, because the denying, irrational part of his mind point-blank refused to recognize that his intelligence and common sense were doing everything conceivable to keep Hikaru  _out,_ keep him out of places he could hurt and destroy. Four months ago, they had seen each other five times, and only ever at night. Four months and a day ago, Pavel had realized that he was falling for everything Hikaru had said, for the sweet words and shyly offered snatches of something like poetry and the blushing explanation of a lack of experience despite the four years he had on Pavel, and not what he was doing. What Hikaru was doing, Pavel had realized, was not leading to the same place as what he was saying. He was saying  _fall in love and stay there, forever,_ and he was doing  _friends with benefits._ Four months ago, Pavel had been waiting for Hikaru to talk to him again. Instead, four months and a day ago, he decided he wasn't waiting, he was ceasing all contact.

Now, Hikaru is a near-mistake. He is a promise that held no substance, one Pavel swears he will not be deceived by again. Pavel still catches himself slipping, remembering the words he already fell for and was cheated by, falling for the same trick again, reproduced by his own memories.

(To Hikaru, Pavel was a surprise, something he didn't know what to do with, something too-hot he fumbled with in his hands, and, inevitably, dropped, broke, shattered into pieces).

Hikaru is a single video chat screenshot tucked away in a folder on Pavel's PADD, a file that's unopened, in a folder Pavel stares at as he passes over it. He knows the look on Hikaru's face in that picture- openly adoring, swooning over Pavel's smile and Pavel's curls. Pavel had  _believed_ that look, even though he never saw it when they were in the same room together, the five times that ever happened.

(Hikaru never trusted himself with the truth. He gave it away to Pavel all at once, and then, it was as if it had never existed, because Pavel could be burdened with it, this truth he didn't understand. He was a hundred times smarter than Hikaru, but he would never be able to figure out that he could have destroyed Hikaru, if Hikaru hadn't rushed to break enough of the small, fixable things as a way of warding off the real blows. Hikaru quickly doomed himself and backed away, so that Pavel wouldn't have the chance to do real damage).

What Pavel really hates is that there will always be a  _we._ They will always be tied together like that, because no matter what, on those particular spacetime coordinates, they can be found together. It's like proof of Pavel's mistake, his defeat by deception, a time his intelligence failed to save him in time to avoid the entire disaster. That time in May, those few evenings spent together, will remain where they were forever.

(Really, Hikaru always suspected he wouldn't be able to handle it. He supposes he should just feel grateful that he can say that, for a time, they had something bonding them together, even if that  _something_ was intangible. It's as if every time he touched Pavel, Pavel's body was saying  _your hands will remember me forever,_ a curse laid on Hikaru for his shameless wrecking).

Worse still is the impression Hikaru left on experiences. He was the first person Pavel felt that electric chemistry with, the first one Pavel even ventured near to the threshold of sex with, and his memory will remain imprinted on that, until someone manages to wear him away with new memories to give Pavel.

(Pavel had this laugh – Hikaru hates knowing that he'll forget it someday soon. His memory of sound is terrible. It's cruel, that Pavel's laugh lingers for almost an entire year after he's gone).

Pavel does miss kissing him.

(Hikaru has never had a boyfriend. Pavel would have been his first, but Pavel wasn't a starter boyfriend, he was the type that has to be the last after several failures, because facing the right match on your first attempt was like staring straight at the sun. All Hikaru saw was the brightness of commitment, but if he'd been adjusted, going slower, years later, he would have seen more than just something that would burn him).

Daydreaming is something Pavel has done all his life, daydreams that are always possible outcomes of present situations. He'd envisioned countless turns his life with Hikaru could have taken – none of them were like this, this descent from frequent conversations during their shifts to days in between contact, to evenings only, to an unanswered message, to complete and total apathy, as if this had never been more than remotely interesting, anyways.

(Once, he'd mentioned actually committing. And Pavel had smiled, and Hikaru had seen that, really, they could have been very happy. But even as he was saying it, he'd known. He wasn't saying it to tell Pavel, he was saying it to get the idea out of his mind, push it far away from him and then log offline after their chat, so that it couldn't find him again).

Pavel already knows who he will move on towards. Despite Hikaru, he can still be hopeful. Despite Hikaru, he can't stop himself daydreaming. It's how he knows Hikaru hasn't destroyed him entirely. He may have taken experiences that could have belonged to someone more caring, put his name on things better entrusted to someone else, and kept things Pavel's said that he didn't deserve to hear, but he couldn't lock up everything. Pavel can still give everything away again.

(It was hard stopping himself. He's almost certain Pavel figured out that things weren't exactly as they seemed. Hikaru couldn't help the tenderness that seeped out sometimes, could only hope that Pavel wouldn't notice the fact that the soft kiss on his shoulder, the gentle touch of his hands, that time he tapped the tip of Pavel's nose with his fingertip and smiled, weren't at all like him. Hikaru wasn't like that at all. Not to Pavel).

But Hikaru will not have his name on chemistry and claiming kisses forever, just like how someday, Hikaru won't think of Pavel whenever he looks at that spot on his bed, permanently stained with the sunlight that washed over Pavel, and stand there, motionless.

(Hikaru never does forget, because that morning almost happens every morning, because even though Pavel was only there on his bed once, it's still jarring to see him gone).

Pavel will forget everything almost entirely.

(Hikaru will not).

 

 


End file.
